Cold Air Allergy

Everyone’s familiar with the age-old conspiracy that lizard people rule the world. People are always claiming that the President of the United States, the Pope or the Queen are lizards. They take photos and edit them to make it look like these high-profile people have forked tongues or lizard-like eyes. You would be forgiven for thinking it’s ridiculous, just something made up by a bored kid in his mum’s basement. The thing is, it’s true. I just found out about it.

My best friend was a lizard man, disguised as a human. Perhaps I should have seen it coming. I should have suspected something when he complained about there being soup in his flies whenever we went to a restaurant. I should have known it wasn’t normal to have dreams about taking over the world and releasing your brothers from zoos all over the world. Whenever we would drive in the car, and I’d complain that the air conditioner wasn’t working, he talked it down. “Don’t get a car aircon regas,” he’d say. “The temperature feels fine to me. You must be sick.” As the fool I am, I believed him.

Yesterday I was doing some errands and enjoying my day. I dropped the kids off at school, went to the movies, got some groceries, and while I was there I decided to get a car service. Near Midland, it wasn’t too hard to find a good mechanic. While they were looking at the car, they pointed out that the air conditioner wasn’t working properly. I asked them to fix it, and sure enough, the aircon works fine now. I was enjoying this new burst of cool air and went to pick up my good friend. As he climbed into the car, he hissed at me and revealed his true lizard form, unable to handle the temperature. He refused to get in the car and I drove off, completely shocked.

I don’t know how to deal with this revelation. How many of them are there in the world?